Since I worked at Byrerly's in St. Louis Park, Thursdays have been my spiritual day. It was a day for meditating, reflecting and renewing my spirit. Being a practicing solitary witch (I mix Celtic faerie magic with a mix of Buddhism, Native American, Egyptian and ancient Greek practices and beliefs, as well as some personal beliefs), it was also my day for ritual and spell casting. However, since I had gotten ill, my spiritual side has not only been lackluster it has been nonexistent. My need to revive my spiritual self is suddenly become not only something I have been desiring but is essential to becoming "myself" again. I have been putting this off for months (that is a lie, it has been years), and I am not entirely sure why. Maybe it is just because I am out of practice and feel like I can not give it the attention I believe it deserves. To be honest, it is probably because of the breaking of my spirit when my health went bad, so very bad.
When I first became sick, not only did I not have the energy to spend on myself, I did not have the energy I felt my Goddess deserved. I did not want to practice half ass, I needed my whole being to be faithful to my Deity... and to be honest, I felt let down by Her. How could She let this happen to one of her most devoted? How much pain did She expect me to endure? Where was she when I needed her to take my hand and support me? Now I see that She did not turn her back on me, it is entirely the opposite, I turned my back on Her. I had no faith left in Her so I left. But now I get it... I had to hang in there for Her to soften the hurt when the pain wracked me to my core.
So now I have the task of finding my way back. I remember the physical duties. Cleansing bath, meditation and devotion, ritual. Rinse, repeat, and cast on occasion when life needs conditioning. What I am finding hard is to maintain the mindset, and heart felt longing to return to my faith, without my jaded soul joining what Amanda Palmer calls so perfectly "The Fraud Police" in her book The Art Of Asking. (If you do not have the time to read the book, it comes on audio book or you can watch her TED Talk.)
"You CAN'T be serious"
"You don't believe in this crap anymore"
"Your placing something as precious as your souls faith into something you can not possibly believe in again. It will let you down again"
"You will fall harder and faster this time, just you wait and see!"
"Don't be stupid, where is this going to get you?"
I am finding it hard to find that voice inside to tell the police to just "Fuck off already". I need to find that voice inside myself so I can start yelling at "The Fraud Police", YOU ARE ALL LIARS! Sometimes I hear the voice, it is only but a whisper in my heart, but it is there. And it is growing. All of the things that should of killed me, all the times I tried killing myself, all the times my body failed me, everything to this point I would have suffered so much more had my spirit not screamed out to Her, and Her response to me was only solace, understanding and love. I am finding it hard, but not impossible.
So for now, I cleanse. I meditate. I do my daily devotions. I do ritual, not everyday... but on the Sabbats. My faith rises and falls, but never fails. My inner voice grows, it may never be as loud as it once was, but grows mostly because I feed it. I feed it love and understanding. I feed it room in my soul to exist again. I feed it the belief that it will not lead me astray. I feed it music and incense. I feed my need to belong. I feed it solace that wrongs can be made right. I feed it creativity. One day, when the scars on my soul are not such a hot and angry red, the voice will become a shout once more. Then maybe She will hear me again.
I have faith.
I did not have faith for so long, it feels pretty damn good.
So, with that I will leave you. I see beauty in every religion and in everything around me, and I hope you can too. Until tomorrow, be kind to yourself, and each other.