Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Weightloss Wednesday - Reaffirming Goals And Putting In The Emotional Work Into Working Out

I don't know what it is about the words "weight loss" I find so repugnant.  It is, at least to me, a vain word.   A word that is full of promises of better self esteem, that never delivers. A word of lofty goals that never reach fruition.  I find I am much more receptive to reaching "healthy goals".  I know, not really a big difference, but to me it is.  "Weight loss" for me has built in failure.  When I have desired to be thinner in the past, I never was able to achieve anything meaningful, especially without the help of drugs.  Unhealthy drugs.  I use to think "I don't care how I became thin, as long as I was thin and stayed that way. F*ck my health."  Now, I have a desire to be thin again not because I will fit into my cloths better, or because I will be more attractive, but because my health demands it.  The other things will only be bonus.  So today I took a big step into achieving better health.  

I attended a luncheon at my local YMCA.  I have huge issues with anxiety and a panic disorder associated with agoraphobia, as well as a healthy dose of PTSD.  This was a huge step into actually going in by myself to the gym.  If I can become acclimated to the environment, find just one or two people I can recognize and feel comfortable with, I could follow through... in theory.  I jumped in with both feet today.  Thankfully, Jody, my mother in law-ish, came with me.  Originally, we were going to do this together, but we are interested in totally different classes, so we will be there at totally different times.  There was about 30 people there, and none of them in my age range.  When we had to stand and introduce ourselves, I'm not even gonna lie, I felt like effing running the hell outta there.  When the time came, I stood and introduced myself. 

I did it! HOLY CRAP!! I did it!!

And just that quick, now these people know me.  And just that quick, now I have new faces to ease my anxiety.  And just that quick, now I think I can do this, for real this time.  Plus what a great place!  I had no idea how much they helped people in their community!  Even for a few minutes there, I even felt like volunteering to teach classes on knitting, sewing, or photography... 

Whoa there Tammy, let's just see if we can get through a yoga or tai chi class.  

After the luncheon, I met up with one of my favorite people, Laura, for a shopping venture... to Costco!  The place is like a liquid panic attack for me.  With Laura and the girls, we went down every isle and not even a shake was to be had.  Not even tightness in my chest or tingly fingers, which are my first symptoms for a panic attack.  I love going food shopping with her, she always helps me eat healthier.  And her daughters... forget about it!  I am so lucky to have them in my life here is nothing better than having two little blonde girls running full force at you only to jump into your waiting arms.  So so effing lucky.  Anyway, I went home with some organic spinach, feta cheese, and fire roasted tomatoes.  No crackers, no chips, no cookies or cakes.  just food that has substance to its calories, no empty calories here!

So, to reaffirm my commitment to becoming healthier, weight loss  Wednesdays will have the recipe of the week as well as an exercise of the week, and once a month accountability pictures and a weigh in.  I welcome anyone to join me on this little trip into Healthy Land. I would appreciate company on the trip, and God(dess) knows I can always use the help and tips, because Healthy Land seems so far away right now.

Next Wednesday will be the first weigh in/picture/goal day.  I have done too much today to push THAT far today.  I will also make a list of health goals I am hoping to reach.  Realistic goals. And how I am doing on achieving them, or what I am doing to achieve them... and, hey, maybe I can help someone by doing this!  Maybe a weekly spotify playlist I used to work out.  

Any thoughts and or ideas are more than welcome!

I will, however, leave you with a recipe.  It may not be the best, with the caramelized onions and cheese, but it satisfied my semi vegetarian lunch needs a couple times this week.

Carmelized Onion, Spinach, and Avocado Quesadillas
  • 3 tablespoons grapeseed oil or olive oil
  • 2 large yellow onions, halved and sliced
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • 10 ounces baby spinach
  • 2 cups shredded Monterey jack cheese
  • 2 avocados, pitted, peeled, and sliced
  • 4 large flour tortillas


  1. Add the oil to a large sauté pan over medium heat. Add the onions and salt and cook, stirring occasionally, until the onions are soft and deep golden brown, about 30 to 40 minutes. (If the sides of the onions begin cooking too fast, lower the heat to medium-low, add a little more oil, and stir. Your goal is to have the onion slices cook as uniformly as possible.) Remove the onions from the pan and place them in a bowl.
  2. In the same sauté pan over low heat, add the spinach and cook, stirring frequently, until wilted, about 2 minutes. Remove from heat and transfer the spinach to another bowl, then carefully wipe the pan dry with a paper towel.
  3. Return the pan to the stove and increase the heat to medium-low. Lay one tortilla flat in the pan. Evenly sprinkle 1/2 cup of cheese over the top. To the bottom half of the tortilla, add 1/4 of the caramelized onions, followed by 1/4 of the wilted spinach. Heat until the cheese melts and the tortilla is browned and crispy.
  4. Add the avocado slices (about 1/2 of an avocado per quesadilla), and immediately fold the tortilla in half, onto itself, and flip it over. Continue cooking for about 30 seconds or until warmed through.
  5. Using a spatula, transfer the quesadilla to a cutting board. Cut into fourths. Repeat this process with the remaining ingredients and serve with your favorite salsa or cilantro pesto.
I loved this!  The avocado makes them so creamy.  

My favorite song this week that makes me wanna "shake it" is Ha Ha Ha by The Julie Ruin. The Julie Ruin is like distilled 7th grade for me.  I can remember the way it felt when I would get home from school and sit in my room writing songs that I would never sing, it is nostalgic for me in that way, except that the songs are actually good.  This one makes me just wanna get up and move, in that 80's girl punk band kinda way.  Oh and by the way, The Julie Ruin is yet another awesome band that we all need to thank Kathleen Hanna for.  and Bikini Kill and Le Tigre too.  We should just Thank Kathleen Hanna just for being Kathleen Hanna. I also highly recommend watching The Punk Rock Singer to inform yourself on all the things Kathleen Hanna did for ALL of us!  Modern feminism would not be where it is today without her.

Also I want to shout out an extreamly loud THANK YOU to Scott Meister for enableing me to write this blog post in bed.  Scott you fixed my laptop, you rule.  So nice to be able to type up a blog post and publish it on the same day!

With that I will leave you until tomorrow.  Remember to be gentle to yourself, and each other.